8.29.2006

what does my life look like if it doesn't look like this? what does it look like if i don't do the same things everyday? why do i choose the same reality day after day? why am i paralyzed by fear to alter simple routines? why does cutting out certain things feel like the loss of a limb? is that a good thing or a bad thing? is it bad because i've chosen to abandon something that is dear to me, something that i am comfortable in, or is it good because that thing so dear to me brought so much stress to my life? is it quitting something that i am passionate about or is it kicking an addiction? can the addiction be both a benefit and detrimental? i suppose by very definition this is true.

back to the real question - if i don't do this, what do i do? have i opened a door to limitless possibilities or closed a door on a valuable outlet and resource? do i harm myself or others in this or do i harm myself or others without it? the internet and mothering have become in many ways just something to do, something i work at as a default when there's nothing left to do or in order not to think. is it possible that i could spend that time much more creatively and be something better than i am or will i merely fill the space with the mundane? which is better? which is more purely virtuous? which benefits my children? my family? myself? what do i do if i don't do that? a list:

  • take walks
  • drink tea
  • write
  • paint
  • knit (learn to knit)
  • sew
  • think of new things to try
  • grow things
  • craft
  • purge
  • get more sleep
  • read
  • finish the plant hanger
  • finish the quilt
  • write letters to grandma
  • hang out with friends
  • have sex
  • bake
  • get things done in a timely manner
  • make collages
  • keep track of unschooling stuff
  • think
  • go to the library
  • visit museums
  • go to the nature center
  • take the kids to the park
  • put together the photo albums
  • go vegan
  • write down funny things aleks says
  • finish bastian's baby book
  • listen to music
  • fix the quilts
  • do yoga
  • write poetry
  • work on my book
  • take a class
  • study midwifery
  • create who i am
  • ask important questions
  • volunteer at the food co-op
  • make sure aleks brushes his teeth everyday
  • blog
  • return emails
  • go somewhere
  • solve the energy crisis
  • take more photos
  • try to understand quantum physics
  • explore the universe
  • compose a letter to opt out of christmas

if i get too busy, i can't do the things that really nourish me and add something to the world for those in my immediate vicinity. on the other hand, i think my service at mothering was and is a good thing that benefits others all over the world. but i need a break and all those others deserve someone with fresh dedication and enthusiasm.

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