7.09.2006

my brain is filled with chatter and anxiety. i am feeling mad, wholly "other", outside the realm of my otherwise comfortable little existence. the book i am reading is revealing truths i knew or somehow sensed, but did not confront or connect in this new, insane manner. i am not sure how to live in the world, how to not go off on mini-tirades. so accustomed am i to speaking my mind, to broadcasting my thought on things, that it is difficult for me to stop myself, to attempt to pause before elucidating the things bouncing around my brain, thus the discomfort i am causing everyone is a bit alarming. but how do i reconcile it? how do i live my life without the constant narrative filtering and illuminating all that i see, hear, read, experience in this culture as white normative behavior and white supremacist racism? how do i integrate that? i knew before this book the shocking truths of this global society: the rape and destruction, the history of torture and genocide all mounting to our sparkling toaster ovens, birthday pinata stuffing plastic crapola, prada handbags, dollar bin merchandise, blood diamonds, plantation roses, et cetera et cetera. but this is too much. this is in every thought. before i could tune it out, cope with the present issue, the current child-raising debacle or near-irrational quest for culinary supremacy (soak my grains?!?!? are you fucking kidding me??!?). but now. but now but now but now... now each time the television is turned on here in my mother's house i launch into some tirade about how every commercial and every reality show is all justification for the normalization of whiteness. now when asked what i am thinking while examining my little sister's european vacation photos, i mention that truly i am noticing how every monument is a dedication to genocide or religious indoctrination and how it was all likely constructed through slavery to exalt rich white men bent on world domination. now sitting through my grandfather's funeral mass i hear for the first time the blatant justification of white male supremacy a la social darwinism via "thankfulness" for "blessings received," in addition to an acceptance of war and murder as part of nature and god's gift (ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11-12), yadda yadda yadda, wank wank wank. what do i do? how do i live like this with such sadness, such heartbreak and still invest emotionally in all the bullshit problems of my universe? i know not how to change the world. i am doing all i can on this small island to bring choice to women, to buck the system of consumption, to lessen my impact and to feel not so alone in seeing everything so starkly and heartbreakingly. please, if there is hope, send word as i am flailing in my attempts at understanding...

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