anna kiss

how it all happened

08/01/2001 - 09/01/2001 09/01/2001 - 10/01/2001 10/01/2001 - 11/01/2001 11/01/2001 - 12/01/2001 12/01/2001 - 01/01/2002 01/01/2002 - 02/01/2002 03/01/2002 - 04/01/2002 04/01/2002 - 05/01/2002 10/01/2002 - 11/01/2002 11/01/2002 - 12/01/2002 03/01/2003 - 04/01/2003 04/01/2003 - 05/01/2003 05/01/2003 - 06/01/2003 02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004 03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004 04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004 05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004 06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004 07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004 08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004 09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004 10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004 11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004 12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005 01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005 02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005 03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005 04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005 05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005 06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005 08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005 09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005 10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005 11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005 12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006 01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006 02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006 03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006 04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006 05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006 06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006 07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006 08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006 09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006 10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006 11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006 12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007 01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007 02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007 03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007 04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007 05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007 06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007 07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007 08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007 09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007 10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007 11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007 12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008 01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008

current

contact anna kiss: annakiss at annakiss dot com

A Month of Poetry

in need of a dose of surrender. in all the tiny instances of my daily life where i lose it and yell, where my patience has lost me and my child has inched his way into the cracks in my well being, i then hear my words in his, creeping back to me to tell me how wrong i was, what a sin it is i've committed. lately it has been so tiring. i cannot keep up with my life. i am not doing what i need to be doing. a reminder won't fix it, it's a matter of stress. and i haven't figured what it is i've got to be stressed about. there are the money issues. there was the fury building towards the unsurprising ineptitude of the government. there has been the husband going back to school, feeling incapable himself at fitting all the things he's gotta do in the time he's got to do them. but there's been something else. something i am unable to pinpoint. the coordinates remain a mystery. there has been a struggle between my child and myself - some mounting unease. we feel like my mother and me all those years ago, butting heads. we are just too much alike. and yet we don't see things the same way. we are both so selfish and so stubborn. and it is so hard for me to let go of my own desire to control things. i haven't yet found the secret password into the world of letting go. i thought it was one thing, but it turned out it wasn't. i just don't know where the answers lie. it seems for now i need to put things aside and let life happen a bit to try to not get too upset about it all. i escape daily in harry potter books. at the moment i have a cold and growing worries regardless, and it is too difficult to change our world completely and how i deal with things and how we cope when things are just so difficult right now. and it is hardly the actual. it is all simply the emotional. there is some bad aura in our house just now. something that makes breakfast a fight about brownies and eggs. there is something somewhere causing aleks to be having accidents like crazy and something too making me just totally incapable of dealing. i suppose i need to be taking my supplements again. there is that. but it hardly seems a solution. i have contemplated taking aleks off dairy. but he doesn't seem so crazy as to necessitate such a pain in the ass as that. he seems normal. he seems three. but right now, at this moment, he is more intensely three than usual and i am more unable to effectively allow it to be when it disrupts the natural flow of my life and my routines. i am fumbling over the problems turning each thing this way and that in search of a solution like my life were a rubik's cube, like my life had answers hidden amongst its infinite array of questions. parenting is hard. parenting is not only a challenge to my abilities and my sensibilities, but to my being, and it asks the most fundamental questions constantly about who i am and what i want and what i want to be. all i want is to find the joy in my constant sorrows. i want to sense the reward in my struggle.

posted by anna kiss @ 9/21/2005 11:27:00 AM

9.21.2005