9.21.2005

in need of a dose of surrender. in all the tiny instances of my daily life where i lose it and yell, where my patience has lost me and my child has inched his way into the cracks in my well being, i then hear my words in his, creeping back to me to tell me how wrong i was, what a sin it is i've committed. lately it has been so tiring. i cannot keep up with my life. i am not doing what i need to be doing. a reminder won't fix it, it's a matter of stress. and i haven't figured what it is i've got to be stressed about. there are the money issues. there was the fury building towards the unsurprising ineptitude of the government. there has been the husband going back to school, feeling incapable himself at fitting all the things he's gotta do in the time he's got to do them. but there's been something else. something i am unable to pinpoint. the coordinates remain a mystery. there has been a struggle between my child and myself - some mounting unease. we feel like my mother and me all those years ago, butting heads. we are just too much alike. and yet we don't see things the same way. we are both so selfish and so stubborn. and it is so hard for me to let go of my own desire to control things. i haven't yet found the secret password into the world of letting go. i thought it was one thing, but it turned out it wasn't. i just don't know where the answers lie. it seems for now i need to put things aside and let life happen a bit to try to not get too upset about it all. i escape daily in harry potter books. at the moment i have a cold and growing worries regardless, and it is too difficult to change our world completely and how i deal with things and how we cope when things are just so difficult right now. and it is hardly the actual. it is all simply the emotional. there is some bad aura in our house just now. something that makes breakfast a fight about brownies and eggs. there is something somewhere causing aleks to be having accidents like crazy and something too making me just totally incapable of dealing. i suppose i need to be taking my supplements again. there is that. but it hardly seems a solution. i have contemplated taking aleks off dairy. but he doesn't seem so crazy as to necessitate such a pain in the ass as that. he seems normal. he seems three. but right now, at this moment, he is more intensely three than usual and i am more unable to effectively allow it to be when it disrupts the natural flow of my life and my routines. i am fumbling over the problems turning each thing this way and that in search of a solution like my life were a rubik's cube, like my life had answers hidden amongst its infinite array of questions. parenting is hard. parenting is not only a challenge to my abilities and my sensibilities, but to my being, and it asks the most fundamental questions constantly about who i am and what i want and what i want to be. all i want is to find the joy in my constant sorrows. i want to sense the reward in my struggle.

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