5.27.2005

waiting. another arbitrary deadline passes everyday. the 23rd a deadline by last menstrual period, the 24th a deadline for no reason but it was tuesday and the weekend had me thinking tuesday would be a good day, the 26th was a thursday and months ago aleks said the baby would come on thursday, the 27th a deadline given by ultrasound... sometimes i walk around and think stupid things like, "let me just get this load of laundry done and folded and put away and then i'm ready." or something equally pointless and mundane. i suppose the more finish lines i give myself, the more targets, the more chances i get at being right once, or rather the more opportunities i give myself to miss it completely. the actual event gets pushed further and further back, day by day, hour by hour. it is a million tiny litle failures marking my path to the inevitable. it is a waste of energy to mark the passage of time this way. and yet i am still stupidly trying to out-think the universe, trying to dig my way to acceptance of things as they will be. but it cannot be forced. there is no way to navigate it, and somehow i seriously doubt that my faith in the universe has anything at all to do with it anyhow. it is not about me getting to the place where i have given up. my baby will come when my baby is ready, not when i think it is time, or when i have everything in order, or even when i have everything in disorder. it has nothing at all to do with me, i'm sure. i am simply up against my own brain trying desperately to predict something unpredictable, trying to accomplish the impossible for no reason except its own satisfaction. it is an endless thirst, incapable of quenching correctly. i am left as tantalus, stuck on this island, forever reaching for grapes just out of reach, water beyond my grasp... totally pointless this exercise is.

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