5.12.2005

being in birth. it occurs to me the difference in perspectives of being in birth versus having once given birth. time and retrospect have given me an appreciation for birth as a life-changing experience. i can view it as the experience that most transformed me, but it is a mottled lens - it leaves out the sensation itself - something forgotten intentionally thanks to a hormonal blueprint for the continuation of life. if i could remember clearly what it was like - if i could re-experience by simply remembering the pain and the intensity - i might not be inclined to give it this upcoming second go. but in thinking, in considering and trying to remember, i glimpse what it was. i recall the intensity of labor, how dark it was and how foreign. i remember the isolation and the sensation of feeling boxed-in, trapped in a tunnel of sensation, the whole of my body coursing with baby, with the impetus to eject. it was a place that i had never been, a landscape i had never before seen, and it was dark and treacherous. in trying to imagine, to remember the opposite of that, the positive side of it all, one might be inclined to think immediately of the end result, of the baby. having had one baby with problems, i am perhaps not in the place to feel as though the end result really is yin to this yang, and whatever opposite of the darkness and intensity was anything other than the survival of the experience, the challenge met. there is simply not, in my mind, a positive aspect of going through labor. there is no light to the darkness - it is all merely a challenge. a challenge that is certainly incredibly worthy, and an experience i treasure, of course, but i just cannot see it as particularly full of light. i see it all as something that enriches my life, just that it's - well, hard. there is a beauty to it, but it's got dirt in it. it is difficult, it is full of obstacles - it's life. despite all this, i am now looking forward to giving birth again and am ecstatic to meet my new baby and start my new life. i have reached the stage where all systems are go and everything is pointed forward, my life just a countdown to rocketing forth into the unknown. everything is chock full of anticipation. i am saturated with it. there is a touch of nervous energy in the air as i make my way through the mundane, through my daily tasks of familial upkeep. i am ready and i am waiting.

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