10.21.2004

pregnancy-induced insanity is taking hold of me. i am at every moment not feeling quite well, but this is only the beginning. the brain is expounding upon every possible bad scenario there is. i have too much information available to me thanks in no small part to the internet so that i have heard and read so many stories of all that can go wrong so many times that i am checking my underwear at every trip to the bathroom for blood and wondering if the cans of soup i had for lunch this week will leach enough aluminum into my bloodstream to cause some irrevocable damage to my unborn child. the dreams have begun as well. the dreams that last time told me that i was pregnant in the first place are now suggesting that i could be having another boy. it is ridiculous to want for gender at all, but i cannot help the fact that i have been so longing for a girl that i decided probably before conception that this child was indeed a girl. provided of course that it's not twins, which is certainly a possibility considering the insanity that i spewed forth but days after conception and the theories that i articulated regarding the dropping of not one but two eggs and then of course the meeting of not one but two women with twins shortly thereafter (the day in fact before the first positive pregnancy test). and i decided long ago that if it is indeed twins (which of course i am hoping that it is not) that it will be one of each gender. having three boys would be disastrous, or perhaps i would just grow to love it. twins i do not want because of what it is that i do want - specifically everything that i am not currently imagining at every turn or every dropping of my pants to pee - the single, perfect child to heal all my past wounds. the birth of my dreams and the nursing relationship to confirm for me that i love to nurture and that doing so with my body is one of the greatest gifts there is. along with all this nonsense spinning in my head, i have also a host of symptoms that did not appear in my pregnancy with aleksander, or at least not to the degree to which they are now. and this heightened degree of things such as nausea which has, as i said, become my occupying force, are perhaps indicative of one of two things - 1) the old wives' tale that it is a girl or 2) that i am indeed having twins and all this heightened misery and the incredibly early positive pregnancy test confirms that my hormones are more insane than a usual pregnancy due to the additional fetus telling my body to make more hormones. this is of course all mindless rambling and i should really stop.

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