3.01.2002

there are moments when i feel happy and alive and well. then there are moments where my heart feels heavy with the sorrow of nothingness and i can do nothing but fear my future. i am incapable of articulating that which i feel. i do not have the language for the weight on my thoughts, that thorn in my side. i do not know how to identify, change it, extract it. i can only sit back and wait patiently for the moment to pass or cry and fall asleep. i am no longer lonely with my self, stuck here. i keep myself busy then grow weary and sleep. irrational fears creep in then subside once i've voiced them, float away to wherever thoughts go when they die, become ghosts, still existing yet without importance or weight. i've lost touch with that thing inside me, that worm wriggling, that soul, life, love. i forget it's there yet do not. i am weary from worry. and yet for the first time in my life i cannot worry. i cannot worry about what will happen when i labor. i do not worry about the outcome of the birth. i merely understand the possibilities and allow them to exist outside my brain where they belong. and yet there are other anxieties. they come from nowhere, spring up like ghouls. i am haunted by my own thoughts. they neither stick nor disappear, but float around my brain in undefined shapes, fluttering occasionally to grab my attention without ever fully revealing themselves. i am trapped by smoke and mirrors in my own head. there is an inability to say what it is for the shape is never certain or defined. i am merely saddened, then empowered. then i merely exist, feeding on myself, the thing in my belly holding up my life, supporting it by making my life it's slave. and all these terrible things that come out of my head are stuck here, always, floating and swimming in brain fluid or in amniotic fluid and swallowing me and not letting me drown in the process. and though this has the look of horror written all inside it, i am generally happy, contented though uncomfortable and wallow only when these things attack me - and they do so without warning. perhaps as things of this nature always have. crippling fear and unsubsiding sadness. then moments again of calm and of blue skies. i am myself indefinable, uncertain, unknown, random, expressed by the unseen.

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