10.08.2001

troubled sleep. sleep full of tossing, the 360 degrees and back again, lights on, off again, thoughts and dreams... i am thinking of how to make a decision (still). i am considering how it is i will come to the decision i most want and how to do it appropriately so as to not fuck up as much as it seems i could. and all this is making me turn from the left of the bed to the right of the bed. the cats were unable to sleep with us last night, their spots not kept warm because the feet continued kicking them out. and dreams... dreams of the decision to be made, abstracted, giant truck with my mother, telling my mother some lie, and shane in my dream explaining to me, rationalizing and justifying why exactly he is not an alcoholic. and i agreed. i let myself be swayed, perhaps because of the baby. because in my dream shane had a daughter and it was the most magical wonderful thing that had ever happened to him. then holding a cassette, a picture of hitler wearing burgundy doc marten's on the cover, then watching hitler's home movies, every shot a leni riefenstahl wet dream, sides of faces and the mundane captured like an expert fashion photographer, people in a wasteland, person sitting in an easy chair in the middle of this wasteland, windmill, old and decrepit in the background, man being marched to it and disappearing into its depths, its daytime bleak darkness, the tongues-in-earsness of dark spots in dreams. all of this a metaphor for me, this moment in my life - my decision not being made, me marching myself to class each morning without care, without concern, the taking of notes, the asking of questions, the stimulating of interest - it is all an elaborate game. this is all a metaphor for me, a reflection of myself in the distorted mirror of my mind, my eyes gathering pieces of information and me viewing them like a movie, sitting in the darkness of the theater in the dream, a man in the seats in front of me and the sound of a projector as the wasteland and the faces of people went forward, then back, then forward again - and me, i am in bed going forward and back again, i am inside of my mind, wondering and not deciding, merely going forward and back and forward eventually everything just goes in circles. i have always been guilty of not deciding those things most pertinent - i will just let it be, let it rest on the bedside table, silent, in my peripheral vision, waiting in vain for me to pick the thing up again and examine the choices once more - after some time has passed and some thoughts have gone quietly and without me noticing into action, without my consent or effort, a decision will have been reached through accident, perhaps natural disaster, the flow of the river of my life choosing its own course, or there is no decision left any longer to be made and i am now on a path that i believe with half of my heart, has chosen me.

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