10.04.2001

nothing has changed since yesterday. i am wrapped in the same blanket of confusion and the argument with myself as i was before. i am struggling against wishes to free-fall into the world like some feminist incarnation of jack kerouac, spouting novellas from my typewriter and etching paragraphs in minds and on the backs of hands. i am struggling with myself, wrestling my brain to the floor like some crazed monkey hopped up on speed, and i want to see it just to laugh like that again. i am struggling with myself, arguing between one self and the other, which path to take, which decision to make, which rules to break and how exactly to accomplish all that there is to accomplish inside the span of eyes blinking and kisses hello-goodbye. i am wishing for there to be clarity, for it to enfold me and have the hands of gods come shooting through clouds to tell me which way to turn. i am wishing to see me blinded by the stars twinkling in my eyes, laughing like candy-coated youth (that ideal form). i want so badly to want. i want so badly to drink madly and deeply of life and cry it all down in bottles of rolling rock and eight months at the word-processor. i would like very much to spontaneously combust just now, because at least then a decision will have been made. just like i've always said, i've been trying forever to somehow die unintentionally so i wouldn't be responsible any longer for the thoughts flinging themselves around my brain, hitting the me trapped there, inside cowering, terrified of falling and desirous of everything in the same breath. i want no more want. i want action. i am beginning to think i must demand it of myself and spill my guts daily to the computer, asking every question and competing with my fingers for control of the situation, dictionaries piled on floors, highlighters and magic markers strewn inside and outside library books, everything littered with images of everything - this and this and this and this and that - all that there is to think having thunk and excreted and edited again and so on and so forth and unkowing and forgetting and remembering again. i am filled to the brim with so much bullshit, it is utterly ridiculous.

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