10.02.2001

here i am. here i am in waves of uncaring, in waves of upset stomachs and arguing with myself through the ideas of education - how education is not education in fact, but somehow merely a format for setting rules and guidelines for the world, or rather, a format for enacting the rules and guidelines - college is a place for instilling in us our consumerist nature and all under the guise of fulfilling our wildest dreams and becoming or gaining the tools with which to be who we are in the future behind caravans and picket fences and 2.5 children and whatnot and whatnot. i don't really want it. i'm here to discover ancient ruins in books with glossy color plates and the foundations of life in powerpoint lectures. i'm here to see if i can do it and i'm here for plan b - having that paper which promises me a place in the job market (sort of). i'm here because i know i will fail one day in the future and the paintings will not sell and i will not ever master the web and the manuscripts will not sell and i will not be the fucking poet laureate. i am here because i doubt that i am a good writer. i doubt that i am a good enough writer. good enough to write to deadlines and write literature in a hurry and i am here because i have no insight into the world. i am here because i am not brilliant - i am average. i am deadly average. i am here because i am not capable of figuring it out on my own. i am here because i feel guilty and i am scared to death of the world that i have been in and i am scared that i will get caught there, so i must stop myself, bring myself back into the world of idealists and researchers and philosophy. into the world that i know - where we argue willingly well-researched points and we learn to recognize all sides of the discussion, where we must forcibly down diversity and pretend that half of those around us are not in truth unopposed to the idea of an all white universe. a place where under the guise of the search for enlightenment, we become exactly like one another everyday. more and more. here i am pretending to be unlike everyone else, pretending to be a unique snowflake. i am pretending that i like it. i am pretending that i would not rather not exist. i am pretending that my life has direction and that i am contributing to finding that direction and creating my path. in truth, i don't know what the truth is. in truth, i am lost like everyone else, trying to find ways to add structure to my world and to understand it and to understand myself inside of it. i am frail and i am tiny, and i do not know much of anything.

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