8.09.2001

so ten thirty this morning phone ringing... friend and friend broke up last night and girlfriend is terribly upset must rush, help her, comfort her, get her out of the house. end up talking to both parties individually which results in me questioning my own relationship, which i'd do anyway because that happens sometimes. told husband. husband doesn't seem to think there is anything to worry about and neither do i really, but it has been such a drain with all this thinking and sorting through of emotions and the nature of relationships. how do i do? i have not spent this much time trying to sort through the reasoning behind breakups and the language of emotion and reaction since i last suffered my own heartbreak years ago. how do we go on when everything we bank on is diminished? love is terrible, feels terrible, creates terrible things. and the worst of it is that even when we find that ideal one, that one who sticks by us and has family/friends/children with us, who kicks us while sleeping and steals the covers and argues over the remote and loves us terribly beyond their own flesh and knowledge - even then it is painful and long and diminishes by years and is forgotten and lost and hopefully found again; even then it is difficult and there is yelling and there is hurt flung against walls and then love made on kitchen floors or not and there are days or weeks without talking, years without really saying anything and there at the end we still die alone. fuck.

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