8.21.2001

everything just got dark. i always dream of being other people, of being like other people though i am typically narcissistic. i suppose the narcissism goes along with the sadness and the longing to be other people really, because it's an incredibly selfish thing to hate yourself. to spend so much time hating yourself and thinking about yourself and all the things in your life that are wrong or could be wrong or will be wrong and how everyone else's stories come back to you and your story. i am so very self-absorbed. the fact of my self-absorption spoken aloud merely reinforces its existence because it manipulates me into thinking about how i hate myself. when i start to hate myself i begin to think that being sad is my natural state and that usually i'm just passing time trying not to be sad, so that i'm faking all emotion and i begin to believe truly and honestly that i never have fun doing anything and that everything everyone does pisses me off, which just makes me think that i jump to conclusions and make harsh judgments, which makes me hate myself some more. and yet i swear that i don't want to be medicated by my stupid doctors. i don't need chemical interference. what i need is to train myself not to think this way and there must be a point where it all started that i can emotionally go back to somehow and understand what went wrong and changed everything to shit. but clarity does not necessarily come. what comes is confusion pounding and anger because there are all these things to do, that i have to do, that need to be done and take away from my focusing on not thinking bad thoughts because the whole time that all this has to be done, all i want to do is go to sleep and take hot baths and starve to death. i told my psychologist that if i were to kill myself i would use pills, but i'm beginning to think that i would just stop eating and wallow in complete self-pity until i was so sick that i could hurt myself for real. or until i melted away. i spend so much time trying to get other people to notice me and all i really want sometimes is to be completely alone because then i wouldn't have to see people around me to convince myself they didn't like me, i could just be all alone and the matter of people liking me or not or me liking people or not would be settled because there wouldn't be any people. i don't want to feel this way. i want to feel some other way. i want to feel whole instead of hallow.

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