anna kiss

how it all happened

08/01/2001 - 09/01/2001 09/01/2001 - 10/01/2001 10/01/2001 - 11/01/2001 11/01/2001 - 12/01/2001 12/01/2001 - 01/01/2002 01/01/2002 - 02/01/2002 03/01/2002 - 04/01/2002 04/01/2002 - 05/01/2002 10/01/2002 - 11/01/2002 11/01/2002 - 12/01/2002 03/01/2003 - 04/01/2003 04/01/2003 - 05/01/2003 05/01/2003 - 06/01/2003 02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004 03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004 04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004 05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004 06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004 07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004 08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004 09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004 10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004 11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004 12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005 01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005 02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005 03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005 04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005 05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005 06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005 08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005 09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005 10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005 11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005 12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006 01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006 02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006 03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006 04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006 05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006 06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006 07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006 08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006 09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006 10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006 11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006 12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007 01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007 02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007 03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007 04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007 05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007 06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007 07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007 08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007 09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007 10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007 11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007 12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008 01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008

current

contact anna kiss: annakiss at annakiss dot com

A Month of Poetry

everything just got dark. i always dream of being other people, of being like other people though i am typically narcissistic. i suppose the narcissism goes along with the sadness and the longing to be other people really, because it's an incredibly selfish thing to hate yourself. to spend so much time hating yourself and thinking about yourself and all the things in your life that are wrong or could be wrong or will be wrong and how everyone else's stories come back to you and your story. i am so very self-absorbed. the fact of my self-absorption spoken aloud merely reinforces its existence because it manipulates me into thinking about how i hate myself. when i start to hate myself i begin to think that being sad is my natural state and that usually i'm just passing time trying not to be sad, so that i'm faking all emotion and i begin to believe truly and honestly that i never have fun doing anything and that everything everyone does pisses me off, which just makes me think that i jump to conclusions and make harsh judgments, which makes me hate myself some more. and yet i swear that i don't want to be medicated by my stupid doctors. i don't need chemical interference. what i need is to train myself not to think this way and there must be a point where it all started that i can emotionally go back to somehow and understand what went wrong and changed everything to shit. but clarity does not necessarily come. what comes is confusion pounding and anger because there are all these things to do, that i have to do, that need to be done and take away from my focusing on not thinking bad thoughts because the whole time that all this has to be done, all i want to do is go to sleep and take hot baths and starve to death. i told my psychologist that if i were to kill myself i would use pills, but i'm beginning to think that i would just stop eating and wallow in complete self-pity until i was so sick that i could hurt myself for real. or until i melted away. i spend so much time trying to get other people to notice me and all i really want sometimes is to be completely alone because then i wouldn't have to see people around me to convince myself they didn't like me, i could just be all alone and the matter of people liking me or not or me liking people or not would be settled because there wouldn't be any people. i don't want to feel this way. i want to feel some other way. i want to feel whole instead of hallow.

posted by anna kiss @ 8/21/2001 12:28:00 PM

8.21.2001