anna kiss
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anna kiss
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jon has been in mexico for five days. is decompressing from a stressful year in school, writing and researching his dissertation. it will still be here when he gets back, but it will be summer and there will be no classes to teach and no other busywork to occupy him. i, in the meantime, and home with the children, alone. i was extraordinarily busy before he left and all those things i was doing can still occupy plenty of headspace. in fact, there was no decompression from my stress. i simply hit the solid wall of being alone with two children. there will not be time to decompress. there will be no time for me. i don't know how i am supposed to deal with my life. i feel pathetic to whine bout how difficult it is to take care of my children with no partner and no respite. i feel pathetic that i cannot make it through a day without feeling rage from the frustration of children - their messes and their intense whining, their needs, their unreasonable desires. i cannot keep it all together enough to feed everyone and enrich them and fulfill tasks and clean and keep myself sane. i think of how history has shown that none of this was intended to be this way, that isolation is damaging. and yet - i watch so many people do this and do it far better than i am able and i cannot for the life of me figure why i seem so resistant to bucking up and dealing with my shit. we are not starving and things are together, but i scream and swear and we stay indoors and i do no cooking. it is far from my ideal. posted by anna kiss @ 5/05/2008 05:04:00 PM |
5.05.2008  |
treasure map 2008 i created a treasure map the last two years during the aries new moon on the suggestion of a well-respected woman on a message board i frequent. i am not into the secret laws of attraction and i don't really believe in astrology, but nonetheless i've been doing this exercise within the time constraints and with a lot of focus and gusto. mostly i just like the opportunity to think about what i want in the coming year and see it as a visual to-do list. i'm big on to-do lists. i love the act of crossing things off. this treasure map thing, though, is more of a psychological to-do list of all the things i want to do, be, and become. it's groovy and weird, but works quite well as a reminder to myself. i see it more like a process of personal manifestation than a universal or spiritual manifestation. at any rate, the unveiling (also on flickr, with more descriptions):  the abundance affirmation reads: Everything I need or want I have and am. I live without stress or worry. I am prepared for the future and supplied for the present.  the fame/reputation affirmation reads: I am admired and respected for my courage, honesty, and wisdom. I am well-liked and appreciated.  the relationship affirmation reads: I am deeply in love with Jon. We share a profound connection which forms a strong foundation of acceptance, understanding, and respect. We live a life of mutual passion and devotion to core values.  the family affirmation reads: I am a good mother and partner. I am gentle and caring. My family shares their love and vulnerabilities with me and we all support one another in our growth and endeavors.  the health affirmation reads: I am strong and full of energy. I breathe deeply, move, and rest. I eat well, filling myself with the highest quality nutrition. My body is a source of power.  the creativity affirmation reads: I am brilliant and energetic. My imagination is boundless and my projects come together well.  the self-knowledge and travel affirmation reads: I love and respect myself. I recognize that my strengths and weaknesses are intertwined. I travel to new places that enlighten and inspire me.  the work affirmation read: My work life is successful, stimulating, and profitable. My work fits well into my family life. Everything gets done with ease and grace.  the helpful people affirmation reads: There are people in my life who offer unconditional love, support and encouragement for all my efforts. People I love come to my aid if necessary.  posted by anna kiss @ 4/09/2008 02:12:00 PM |
4.09.2008 |
the frenzy of my existence goes on without end. one busy month leads to another and another. spring finally pokes her head through the snow and i am full to overflowing with the energy to do and do and do. it is treasure mapping time, a weird shout-out to the universe that i don't precisely believe in, but use as a way of seeing the future, of putting it down on paper. i find it really beneficial, actually. and my excitement floods me and flows and flows and flows. when will the crash come? will it ever? i don't at all necessitate the crash. i don't at all necessitate the falling off of edges for seemingly no reason at all. i hope to end hope that i am able, within myself, to dictate the need for pause and the places wherein it can exist calmly and silently without undue burden or tragedy. we will see. we will see. in other news, this website needs a complete overhaul because i can no longer update anything but the blog thanks to my idiot decision to use frontpage. this has been true for about a year. unfortunately, i have zero time to do anything about it. it will come eventually, i swear. or hope. also, i'm doing some performances. i'll update more on that later. right now, i'm about to turn twenty-nine and must, at this moment, go update my driver's license. which i know is not the sort of thing i ever blog about, and i apologize. posted by anna kiss @ 4/07/2008 12:16:00 PM |
4.07.2008 |
I will be reading poetry and my six word memoir at Hot Geek Love night at the Cannery in Dayton, Ohio Friday, April 4th (see below), as well as at Visible Voice bookstore Saturday, April 19th at 8 pm in Cleveland, Ohio. This is to promote both my chapbooks of February poetry and my six word memoir which appears in Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six-Word Memoirs by Writers Famous & Obscure and The Best American Nonrequired Reading 2007. For the record, I am one of the "obscure" writers, but I will nonetheless be signing books at both events. The main thrust of these performances is actually to promote my dear friend Patty Kambitsch's memoir Looks Like Howard, which you should all, of course, immediately purchase and devour and share with your friends. Those blog readers interested in obtaining a copy of my chapbooks, February and The Agony of Weather should email me at annakissmm at gmail dot com. posted by anna kiss @ 3/26/2008 01:05:00 PM |
3.26.2008 |
i think and think on things i do, the proper way to live, work, breathe, and so on. i have no clue as to how to parent. i get in my head this ideal, based on a vision mainly, think and think on it, pound my head with thinking, then have a day of explosion where i can no longer understand my assumptions. what is the proper way of doing things? what is the right path? i can outline some basic ideas - to honor the emotions and autonomy of my children, to negotiate the needs of everyone in my home, to cooperate. for some reason though, i hold the vision of the martyr as what i am striving for. then i must legitimately ask myself if i long to be a martyr, if i truly believe that ignoring my own needs in order to serve the needs of my children is the best way. i must negotiate between what is a need of mine and what is merely a desire. i do not assume that my children can negotiate this for themselves. i am the one who must sacrifice. but what is a need and what is merely an inconvenience? at times it becomes painfully obvious because certain situations begin to no longer work. still, as i make decisions and try gentle transitions, i cannot know if it is right. i cannot know if another way must be better. it is the same as deciding who to vote for in this election. since the ideal situation is entirely off the table, i must simply decide. i must find reasons, invent reasons, rationalize and contort evidence to fit an urge. there is no simple solution and no ideal outcome. it makes me hate how hard it is to have to think. it is so much easier to ascribe to a belief system and do what it dictates. the problem with being this radical leftist is that my belief system is based on negotiation of the changing needs and desires of everyone. and so too, is my family. and i must question every interaction, every influence, every inference of power and authority. and then i must question why i must question all that and constantly and perpetually reframe it all. but how to measure it? how to know? the question becomes, "what about what i am doing is making me more in touch with my humanity and the humanity of others?" is what i am doing keeping me in touch with my humanity and teaching my children of their humanness? if nothing else, we have that to fall back on. that we make mistakes. posted by anna kiss @ 3/06/2008 03:03:00 PM |
3.06.2008 |
 posted by anna kiss @ 3/03/2008 02:18:00 PM |
3.03.2008 |
failedno matter the pressure applied,nor the incentive entailed, the wings do not open the sail does not spread and i am plunged in free-fall, sunk to my neck, embedded deeply in the cracked, barren earth that having lacked, perpetually after thirsts. posted by anna kiss @ 3/01/2008 01:28:00 AM |
3.01.2008 |
